


After Despair

by Feathers7501



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Cockles, Episode: s15e18 Despair, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-10
Updated: 2020-11-10
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:35:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 893
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27496552
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Feathers7501/pseuds/Feathers7501
Summary: Cockles coping with the aftermath of Castiel's declaration
Relationships: Jensen Ackles/Misha Collins
Comments: 20
Kudos: 132





	After Despair

Misha stayed on set to watch the end of what had been dubbed “The Destiel scene”

Wiping the red “blood” from the palm of his hand with a towel, he watches Jensen’s beautiful face morph from incomprehension, to understanding and then to grief and devastation.  
Misha will never cease to be floored by Jensen’s ability to show so much emotion without speaking a word. Where Jared is all twitches and eye movements, Jensen’s emotions tend to be communicated through his eyes first, then the cant of his head, and finally the position of that incredible mouth.

Misha still has tears drying on his face from his own incredibly heart wrenching scene. To accurately portray the joy, the true happiness equally balanced with impending loss had been hard, and more of Misha than Cas had crept into the performance at the end. It did not feel anything like acting this time. He feels drained, shaky and laid bare. He feels insecure and unsure of his performance and of Jensen’s reaction, even though they had discussed it in depth.

The set is silent as various cameras pick up the utter devastation and anguish that Dean is feeling. Misha quashes the urge to go to him. Go to them. He feels equally responsible for how Dean is feeling and for how Jensen must be feeling too. Fresh tears well as he thinks of how little time they have left in this safe and comfortable bubble they’ve existed in for eleven years. Trailers side by side and indistinguishable these days, shared clothes, shared memories, shared lives tangled in the minutia that fills both spaces. 

The scene ends and Misha hears “Cut! That’s a wrap. Well done Jensen, Misha, thank you gentlemen.”

Misha knows there’s more. There’s the end scene where Sam and Jack find Dean still in the dungeon, but that has already been filmed earlier today. They don’t always film in sequence, and it can be jarring until you get used to it. 

Misha turns to leave. To give his friend a chance to regain his equilibrium after laying himself open and bare for the camera. He’s sure that’s why the fans love Jensen so much. It used to be his boyish charm and devastatingly beautiful face when he was younger. But the Jensen Misha sees now is even more beautiful in his maturity, his laugh lines, his smile lines and his eyes, and his ability to express himself with his body. His stance, the way he holds himself when he is acting, it turns Jensen into Dean with the shrug of one shoulder and the lift of his jaw.

It’s late. He walks slowly to his trailer as the wind blows around the tails of “The Trenchcoat” and continues on around the trailers and equipment. His shoulders slump, reflecting his mood and he digs his hands deeper into the pockets of the familiar coat. Unfortunately there will be no chance to unwind, to unpack the emotion of the day as both he and Jensen, along with Alex and Rich are flying to Vegas tonight.

“Hey, Mish; wait up” he hears Jensen jogging across the concrete behind him. 

Jensen slows to a walk, matching Misha’s deliberate stride. “How’re you doing?” Jensen runs a hand across his mouth. “That was a lot, today…”  
Misha shrugs and speeds his walk. “Let’s get inside, Jensen. Let’s get outta this wind, anyway”

Misha takes the steps two at a time, Jensen follows and they both enter the trailer. It’s silent after the noise of the wind and the guys working on set. 

“Mish?” Jensen asks as the silence stretches on. Jensen takes a step toward his friend and ducks to see his face. Misha sighs and looks up, and Jensen can see tears, real tears welling in his friend’s eyes and tracking down his face.

“Mish, what’s wrong? I know today was a lot, I know I fought it, but you believed, so I trusted you. We did good today, didn’t we?”

Misha looks up at his friend, and smiles through the tears still trailing down his face. “Yeah, Jensen, we did good. I just can’t get Cas out of my mind.”

Misha drops onto the couch. “He was so damn happy. Just to be given the chance to tell Dean how he felt. How he feels.” Misha’s face grows serious. The blue eyes hooded as they seem to look right into Jensen.

“Jensen, Cas is how I want to be. He’s openhearted, and he’s selfless and he’s true.” Misha ducks his head and looks down at the familiar trench coat, he clutches the fabric and lets it run through his hands. “Who am I without Cas?” his voice sinks to a whisper as he drops his head to avoid Jensen’s eyes “Who will I be without you?”

Jensen is at a loss for words as he joins his friend on the couch.

“Mish, what do you mean ‘without me’? You will never, ever be without me. This doesn’t end, Mish” Jensen gestures between the two of them and then covers his friend’s hands with his own, encouraging them to relax and release their death grip on the beige canvas.

“You and I? We’re real.” Jensen squeezes Misha’s hands and leans forward until their foreheads are touching.

Jensen grins as Misha meets his eyes “You could say...we’re canon.”

Fin


End file.
